Numb Nothingness! 

The auto kept moving in the tempo of its monotonous noise and I was lost in the haze of running trees and houses. The mind had a shallow nothingness drowning into a deeper one like a leaf tide on a sinking stone. It was strange how the mind was totally empty even though it had a great deal of issues to think over and over and over and over and to not reach a conclusion, then to get ready for next consignment of issues. 

She sat next to me. I couldn’t see her face as it was hidden beyond the curtains of bouncy hair. The suspense was clearly indicative of the veiled beauty. It was very tempting thanks to the proximity and the smell of her products. One would surely wish to brush her hair aside and stamp his love on her lips, which produced a beautiful melodious sound on the phone in Bengali. She was like a drag a of marijuana, you know it harms, yet you take it because it is the eventual ‘high’ that matters, the heaven and the angels that matters.

She was showing interest in me and that was making me fall in love with her. Why do I fall in love with every girl who shows even a little bit of attention to me! I sat before a mirror last night asking the same question over and over to my image but sadly my image kept asking me the same! It seemed to be stuck in the same problem.

She sat in silence then, not uttering a word except for the hum she produced. Some beautiful song lost in her hearts seemed to make out its way mesmerizing the listeners and freeing itself from a place nobody would long freedom from. I was tired and her divine voice reminded me of the childhood lullabies. I heard the voice of a lost child in me demanding more of the soothing voice caressing the wounds of rationale and hypocrisy that are getting indelible in me as I grow.

She invited me to spend some time with her. I was double minded about going. I did not want to reveal how insecure and vulnerable I was. Yes I speak less to others and more to myself, lest my words may sing the melody of my alone and needy heart.

Did she look into the blinking eyes which made futile efforts to look away from her? I have trust issues, a messed up past and pathetically tangled up present. I did not want her to get stuck in the cobwebs of my desperation and vulnerability to hurt herself ultimately. I smiled silently to her talks, her questions, her compliments. This is my reply to most situations in general. A smile. It is a nice tool for stoics who do not want to come across as rude and indecent. Besides, least said easily mended.

So much was altercating in my mind  yet there was a macabre nothingness like an abandoned cemetery. It was horrifying to find my thoughts numb and my lips smiling. The auto kept moving in the tempo of its monotonous noise and I was still lost in the haze of running trees and houses leaving my stop, three stops back!

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