She wanted to read me. She always demanded me to write a story. She was intrigued by the elemental constituents of fables. 

“History is short-lived and delusionary. Fables are the essence of humanity, living to the eternity,” she would argue. She believed that everyone and everything has a story and all of them, without exception, fade into each other like rivers fade into oceans and oceans fade into land and land into deserts then into mountains and maybe again into river. She would cite breathtaking instances of the complex cobwebs, that, just two stories could form.

“Everything effects everything…if a butterfly flaps its wings at just the right time and just the right place, it can cause a hurricane a thousands of miles away, weeks later,” she often produced the metaphorical chaos theory butterfly to strengthen her case, and no doubt the butterfly had taken her imagination far.

She was as good with stories, lies, dares, diplomatic nods, as she was with reading people. She was a parchment, with smell and weathering of time, with a story on it that was fading from her face but heart kept it veiled from the overt weathering. But she was mysterious! The parchment was burning and every eye gazing to catch a word from it eventually burned. It was ironic that she wore reading frames because she always read better with her eyes closed. 

I wore glasses too. I wonder how both of never explored each other’s eyes thanks to the two glass walls mounted on our noses like a man’s ego over his head. Is there a point reading and repenting the bygones?

 She was less of a speaker. All the sounds she often produced were squeaks, a sigh or any other sound that has no name in the English Dictionary. She was onomatopoeic. Her replies started with an onomatopoeic sound followed by mocking on the sound and then putting forth the ideas from her mind that hardly emancipated itself from the fantasyland. 

“Wow! This is heaven!”  She was very excited when I once guided her to a room that resembled Dumbledore’s office, only better. She was jumping a little on the carpet covered in dust. All of the books and antiquities seemed to tickle her desires to have them.  In the three minutes that we spent there, she almost imagined every minute detail that resembled Dumbledore’s. Paleontology, astrology, astronomy, Astrophysics, botany, mathematics, various chemistries and other section that made up the first floor meant sections like herbology, advanced wizardry, quiddich etc to her. She had a library in her house. 

I clearly remember the last time I saw her. Things had taken such a turn that I expected that to be our last, but probably she hadn’t. She, I suppose, wanted our story to end at the same place where it made its inception. She had made a wish to be buried on the day the heaven was crying. She is granted! It is raining! I am at liberty to cry for my loss, the rain would cover my ‘man’s ego’, but I don’t want to. All I want is to let the rain drain over me and soak my soul that is hurt but contended for the gloomy, yet satisfying ending that we have reached.

“Break the monotony!” Her guiding principle. “Live fast, die soon, before you are somebody’s or somebody is your liability!” I always disagreed to her at this statement. I argued, ‘Liabilities walk behind people, try holding someone’s hand and walk together, just a few steps.” She would smile and never refute.

Her ideologies for life sometimes hurt my heart that was so in love with her. I never told her, lest I might lose her, given, she was a different one, like a sketch by an average child in endeavors to excel. The strokes on her life were haphazardly intermitted but as a whole, the sketch surely was a masterpiece.

She was graceful to everyone and in love with none, never! It did pain when I saw this standing in my shoes, but if I were to observe us as a third person, say, perched on the sky, yes she cared for me the most in the world and her principles clearly seemed to be on knees. She did reciprocate my sentiments, silently, when the world and I were sleeping together tired by the puzzling jigsaw of life with missing pieces! She did!

She was sad sometimes, when she was alone. I wondered if it was me who she was missing, but clearly I was giving myself a bit of extra importance. She was sad when I wasn’t looking at her. She would sleep on the floor of her library most of the nights. “I want to smell like the old books.” “I want my smell to speak my age.” She said. Other nights, when I was at her place, she would gently slide herself under my blanket after I was asleep, or at least she thought I was. She would leave before I woke up and lie back on her library floor. She clearly needed love and attention but something stopped her from demanding it. I wanted more of her but was scared to lose even the wee bit of what I had. I kept mute!

She played violin. “Why violin?” I was always inquisitive. She never told. She happened to choose the questions she would answer and oversee others. Some nights, lit well by the moon, she would sit on the terrace and play the sad instrument for hours and hours and I would sit on the rails watching her moonlit face behind the veils of her open straight hair, like looking at moon light filter through the leaves of an old tree.
The times we made love were the moments of extreme ecstasy for her, apparently. She would be pleased and all warm, lost in my arms, humming some lost melodies. She was beautiful. Her thighs had some healed cut wounds. “Yes, I paint too!” She had told me, all smiles. She made superficial cuts on her body, like the thighs when the gloom and pangs in her heart became unbearable. Blood was her drug! It relieved her of all the pains. The miserable thighs bore the allegories of the unbearable agony, from the unknown source that she had. She smiled when I kissed them. “Your lips kiss my pain away.”

She was different. She, perhaps, needed a doctor. I thought at times that she had bipolar disorder. But I liked her the way she was; aloof from society, with all her desires naked. Perhaps she was just different. Perhaps all of us need a doctor.  She was waiting to kill herself before her diseases did. She wanted the books of her library to have the only things they were missing, blood stains; old dry bloodstains. 

She would say some super serious things like these and then laugh them off. I was confused until this morning when I went to her place and I found her dead, with violin in one hand. The wrists were slit and the blood drained into a pile of books heaped close to her. The room was decorated with Christmas lights and a lot of eatables that she had probably cooked herself. She was all bloody in her favorite wedding gown.
Thanks for reading,  go ahead suggest a title for this story! 



In the cold room

Dear Prashant<>,

I’m writing to you again. It may be a bit impulsive to mail you but if you are reading this…

The floor, yes! I’m sitting on the floor. The room is cold. The lights are switched off. The speakers are singing beautiful melancholic lyrics interweaved with the sound of a sad mouthorgan. It’s not what nonsense the voices are saying but what the voices are feeling. And true! The voices are sad. The cold room itself is lamenting its misery by touching me on the floor. It has a painfully cold story. I want to get up but somehow I feel connected, I might be gifting it equal amount of cold stinging stories back. I’m sad.

“Try distracting yourself!” She had suggested the other day. “When I’m sad, I sketch!”  She holds an important place in me. Thankfully I never told her.

Not that I have never tried it but my hands are sad too. They resist being bothered. All I can do is, write, but that as well is not helping. Books? No! Walk? No! Music? No! Movies? No! Please no! Nothing’s helping!

I want someone to hear me. But I am unbearably alone. Trust issues! I have trust issues. I am slightly paranoiac as well. I don’t want anyone to enter my shell, still, I am human, and I’m alive, I breath and something in me surely beats. It yearns to be heard.

“Pain demands to be felt.”

Try visualizing me! A man in a dark room, kept like a heap of flesh on the floor, dead face wearing a macabre expression, scribbling the diary in the only light seeping into the room through the curtains, some sad artist singing ‘blues’ with mouthorgan and violin in the background.

 So many contacts on my phone! I have scrolled it thrice but have called none. I’m sure no one would want to hear me, more importantly; I do not want to talk to anyone. Often it comes to me as a sudden realization that I am surrounded by loads of people and yet I am alone. Am I sounding needy, vulnerable and desperate? Oh yes! I am! 

“You are so vulnerable in your writings! How can anyone share his vulnerability?” She would say.

I did not reply her, so here goes the truth. My pen is naked! It is justified for it to be a slut and to let go off its wildest dirtiest fantasies in the most shameless way. It does sing the melody of my vulnerability at times, and I let it, for I know; it does lie at times, but never pretends. 

Yours truly,


I was Flying

Aren’t bridges wings? Why has man thrown logs over streaming brooks? Why has he erected columns to pave way for humanity? Yes, they are bridges, they are wings! You fly over the land, only that you have your feet on the concrete. You feel the smell of air of the heights. You are born to fly. The ones on the ground, don’t they feel the desire to stand where you stand? Don’t they envy you for being at a height? Yes, you certainly fly, coz you are born to. Bridges are wings!

The other day, I was standing on a bridge. I was flying in the breeze, which fingered gingerly through my hair, and, like an old passionate lovelorn lover, seduced me to loosen up my clothes to feel her running with every hair, every goose bump of my body. It gently pecked marks of love over my body parched by the sunny days of lost childhood and fake adult rationale and hypocrisy. Yes, I was in love with the wind again, with myself and our solitude love making. I was flying again; naked I was, having stripped off my clothes of materialism, shrewdness, skewness and hatred. 

I was looking westward, to the setting sun. The horizon transitioned through thousands of psychedelic shades of amber, as the earth kissed the sun. The sun blushed and the whole sky, the whole of my bosom’s universe felt the tinge of love.

The river, the Ganga, that tore the horizon of nothingness filled wilderness into two, like a flying bird rips off the heart of the heaven into two, was wavering and returning back the blush to the sky. The boatmen down into the river carrying young couples pulled their boats in the stream. They are blessed people, they make some of the most mesmerizing and cherishable moments for people. They trouble their hands pulling oars to let people capture the spectacle into their hearts. They see numerous stories beginning and ending before them. On one hand they look at people starting their lives anew and on the other hand they turn their heads to the far back to look smoke rising from the cremation grounds.

I smiled at the brutally paradoxical irony. I pulled on my hood and flew away! Smiling! Waiting to fly over the scene again someday…in solitude…

Numb Nothingness! 

The auto kept moving in the tempo of its monotonous noise and I was lost in the haze of running trees and houses. The mind had a shallow nothingness drowning into a deeper one like a leaf tide on a sinking stone. It was strange how the mind was totally empty even though it had a great deal of issues to think over and over and over and over and to not reach a conclusion, then to get ready for next consignment of issues. 

She sat next to me. I couldn’t see her face as it was hidden beyond the curtains of bouncy hair. The suspense was clearly indicative of the veiled beauty. It was very tempting thanks to the proximity and the smell of her products. One would surely wish to brush her hair aside and stamp his love on her lips, which produced a beautiful melodious sound on the phone in Bengali. She was like a drag a of marijuana, you know it harms, yet you take it because it is the eventual ‘high’ that matters, the heaven and the angels that matters.

She was showing interest in me and that was making me fall in love with her. Why do I fall in love with every girl who shows even a little bit of attention to me! I sat before a mirror last night asking the same question over and over to my image but sadly my image kept asking me the same! It seemed to be stuck in the same problem.

She sat in silence then, not uttering a word except for the hum she produced. Some beautiful song lost in her hearts seemed to make out its way mesmerizing the listeners and freeing itself from a place nobody would long freedom from. I was tired and her divine voice reminded me of the childhood lullabies. I heard the voice of a lost child in me demanding more of the soothing voice caressing the wounds of rationale and hypocrisy that are getting indelible in me as I grow.

She invited me to spend some time with her. I was double minded about going. I did not want to reveal how insecure and vulnerable I was. Yes I speak less to others and more to myself, lest my words may sing the melody of my alone and needy heart.

Did she look into the blinking eyes which made futile efforts to look away from her? I have trust issues, a messed up past and pathetically tangled up present. I did not want her to get stuck in the cobwebs of my desperation and vulnerability to hurt herself ultimately. I smiled silently to her talks, her questions, her compliments. This is my reply to most situations in general. A smile. It is a nice tool for stoics who do not want to come across as rude and indecent. Besides, least said easily mended.

So much was altercating in my mind  yet there was a macabre nothingness like an abandoned cemetery. It was horrifying to find my thoughts numb and my lips smiling. The auto kept moving in the tempo of its monotonous noise and I was still lost in the haze of running trees and houses leaving my stop, three stops back!

Strings Attached!

On my way back from Lucknow yesterday I met a person, actually I just ‘saw’ him. He was sitting on the berth opposite to mine in the general compartment (the only place where you find the most unnatural terra inhabitants). He was sitting along with four others on the berth which could hardly bear the weight of the bulky demons resting their unnaturally bulky bums on it. What a bum deal it was for the berth! I was seated with five skinny men and was with the window.

The man of the focus was quite accomplished in health terms; he was dark and must have been around fifty. He talked like a prodigy, as if he knew everything that people in general avoid, everything that is weird for igniting a conversation. I don’t remember anyone from earth or heaven that begins a conversation by asking the prices of real estates in Lucknow or Jaipur. He asked such questions and later I got to know that the question was rhetorical and was intended to down-show the other intellects sitting there which comprised mainly of the Google expert millennial including me. His smirk of the victory was heavenly as if he conquered the Marxist ideologies. I did not participate the blind debate other jumped in, it reminds me of the news channel debates which are dominated if and only if you have a highest volume in the panel, these debates never reach to a conclusion. I plugged in my earphones, without music though, intending to hear the expert panel and snub the messers at the same time.

The holy man of the hour was strange man. He was a clerk in some government institution. He was all tied and tangled up in strings. He had around eight strings ruling his pathetically thick neck (I guess the neck stored fat ‘under the table’). Those strings were attached to different pouches made in army camouflaged cloth piece. They were different in sizes, quite like his eyes which had unbalanced size. He kept his phone in one, pens in other, dedicated a pouch for his broken spectacles and wallet in one of them. And his shirt’s pocket had ‘chana’ in it. He had, maybe, a compulsive fear of pickpockets, but did he know that we had chain snatchers also, for this purpose. But I guess chain snatchers look only into women’s cleavage for pendants and necklaces and the fatso looked manly enough to bypass their skepticism. He was different in a funny sort of way. He had a holster like leather pouch where he secured his ‘paan masala’. Besides all of these securities he had a leather bag too which had a lock on the zipper and the strap was fastened to his waist.

I deduce mathematically that if one pouch corresponds to one kangaroo he represented a complete kin and kinship of the specie. It was rakshabandhan and thus he had one more string on his wrist representing that he was in stringed relationship with his sister as he was with his props.

Kafan mein jeb nahi hoti,’ someone, I remember, recently said, to which, someone else replied (I remember the voice of Lalu Prasad Yadav), ‘Inke kafan me jeb nahi jhola hai jhola.’ Who knows this very man maybe lusty enough for his props to get a designer ‘kafan’ with pockets and strings reserved for himself .


Chew! Chew! Chew! Arrrgh!… and then I thought about the fourth, but how did I reach four? Did I skip the first three or my Adam’s apple is leaking numbers! Oh no! I didn’t leak, I mean my apple didn’t. I first thought of the first then the second and so on.

The three prominent apples of the global history. First one came from a tree, I mean all of them did but the first one is always pictured with the tree. Newton sat below it and the fall, the holy, royal fall, the esoteric fall (my schoolmates called it a cursed fall) changed the overall physics. Second one went to Alan Turing who was so embarrassed and disgusted by the allegations over him that he could not take a second bite before his demise. A similar stingy apple went to snow white (Warning! I am not reckoning apples of fantasy) and the bite could not cross her Adam’s apple (wait, do girls have Adam’s apple?). The apple stuck in her throat like she stuck in our childhood fantasies before we found ourselves growing up with Emma Watson through the Harry Potter’s heptology. The next apple fell into the blessed lap of Steve Jobs, who too dug his teeth into it just once and the rival companies minced in pain. The bite had a long lasting impact, maybe it had a wee bit touch of snow white’s and Alan Turing’s fatal apples as he was once diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Thankfully Steve was stronger!

As Lalu Prasad Yadav cursed Nitish Yadav in his crass dialect about the so called backstabbing, I happened to spot my fourth apple. His Adam’s apple! Does he really have one? Oh yes, but it is kept safe under a heaped fat of Benamis and allegations. He cannot let it open for Nitish to fodder upon, correction ‘feast upon’. His strong kin-o-philic nature holds him from doing so. And maybe it is safe that it is concealed, anyone who has feasted on it is under CBI probe (his kids for example). Close escape Nitish! It might have resulted similar to Turing’s fate or constructively it (the worth concealed in his Adam’s apple) could have produced many jobs or better, Steve Jobs! Happy and safe apple eating!

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