“Six years Nish!” Aditi said.
“Yeah and you still the same!” I said.
“I wish I could do something for you.” She said sadly.
“You can…just give me a chance.” I sounded desperate.
“You are cute.”
“It was never suffice for you.”
“We are great friends Nish. Isn’t that enough.”
“Never! I cannot explain you my insecurities.”
“What insecurities and why?” Her voice beautiful.
“You won’t understand.”
“Bye!”I said trying to keep myself under control.
“Take care…please!” She said and I hung up.
Sweet girl is Aditi. The kind of girl you feel like hugging, the kind of girl who smiles any pain off you, the kind which is innocent, the kind that is soft, the kind that is friendly, is strict, is cutely stubborn. She is one of those girls who hums bollywood, who cries for Indian cricket team, who sings madly, dances, lives. Her smile is one which demands attention. Her eyebrows, the way they dance above her eyes making all the expression of all the melodramatic daily soaps she has seen is a cherishable beauty, they perform drama, they question. Merely her brows are hypnotic enough to gain over the strongest willed person enough leave alone me. Her lips are the kind which I call ‘irresistible’. Her night black eyes behind her frameless are something which I have waited lives to look into. The impeccability of her face comes to me from the fact that even a bit of Photoshop makes her look akin to a Barbie. God only knows what she actually is, but whatever she is, impeccability is the only word that defines her.
May be I am exaggerating but isn’t that what a person in love is expected to look at the one, perfection. I don’t see it coz I’m expected to but because she actually is. So I love her, don’t know what exactly in her. Maybe her smile or maybe the way she exaggerates her dramatic expression, or maybe the way she cares for me, may be its simply the way she is; mad, wild, cute, lovely, graceful, beautiful and all. Whatever it is, I love her as madly as one can imagine.
Six long years in love with a girl who never loved me. I remember how on the ninth sky I felt when I realized I was in love. How I had danced for two hours in rain on my terrace that day. It was beautiful. The feeling of loving somebody is truly one of a kind and you cannot feel it till you feel it. I lived through it for years without her knowing and when she finally gets to know through a really long letter she rejects; me, my heart, my love, my care, my patience. It was hard. I had come to a place where return was not possible for me. I was always less of ‘ladies man’ type. I was more of love-only-you type than other-if-not-this type. I felt any emotion harder and stronger than guys around me.
She was always a great friend of mine and cared for me, loved me but it was all friendship as she says. It’s hard to swim through time without having her thoughts no matter what I did to keep myself involved and distracted. She always knew how pathetic my condition was. I tried and tried to pull myself away but it all gave agony and nothing else. It was her voice that kept me going. Her nonsense endless chatter which she always thought bored me was actually what revived me at the end of the day. I was so fond of listening to her chatter and laughter that I made a phone call sometimes every second hour of the day. I knew I was mistaking, it was all taking me deeper into her. I wish I had any other option. I knew I could not get over her so I had decided to take the only left way, deeper into it.
I sometimes or rather every time felt that she loved me only that she resisted herself to accept me. She kissed me on phone hundreds of time on each call, I never mentioned this to her coz I knew she would stop it. I loved it. I didn’t want to lose it coz I had already lost much taking her words in wrong sense.
“Will you ever accept me?” I said. We were sitting on an abandoned bridge in solitude surrounded by nothing but lush greenery of nature. She always wanted to spend a complete day with me, just a day. So we were there in solitude away from friends, family, facebook, whatsapp everything. We were with each other, just each other.
“Not at all.” She winked.
“That’s not funny Aditi.”
“You are such a sweetheart, love you.”
“You can never.” My face dropped.
“I do, but yeah as a friend.”
“You don’t feel even a bit for me?”
“Well frankly I do sometimes but I try to rein it by not thinking about you.”
“You are such a bitch.”
“Huh! You love a bitch?” She chuckled. Even at wrong times her grin does magic.
“Angel I mean.” I smiled through sad eyes.
“That, I am.”
“Why don’t you accept me? A reason at least? Am I not deserving enough? Do I not love you enough?”
“I don’t know! Maybe you are not my type of person!” She said. Type! Huh! Her type! A guy of her type is never gonna be compatible to her.
“Can you ever let me hold your hand?”
“Nish…You are again doing something to me. I don’t know in which direction I start moving when I’m with you.” She said sadly. I told you she feels for me, just that she does never accept it chasing a so called type. I sometimes guess she is running away from relationships. Whatever it is, it torments me every night. Sleeplessness drapes me through the pain and my nights pass in agony. Does she know this?
“Don’t worry. Wherever we move, whichever direction it is, wrong or right you have the skill of holding your steps after you take a few. It’s I who is at loss, I keep on going and you choose to stay even if you want to come. When I turn back I see you stopped far behind. I come back and try to take you with me. It never helps Aditi.” I hung my head low. I knew she must be smiling. She came up close to me and held my arm and rested her head on my shoulder.
“You’re good.”She said.
“I love you!” I gave up composure as I said this.
“I know. I feel it. Every moment with you.” Her hands reached my eyes to wipe my tears though she herself didn’t look at me.
“Will you promise me one thing? Aditi…” I said after some time of silence.
“Hmmm…anything for you!”
“Promise me that you won’t leave me and let go of me.”
“I promise. Now smile. C’mon.” She might have forgotten this promise made in impulse and I too feel it was hollow but it gave me a satisfaction.
“I love you too.” She says after a long silence through which we looked to the endlessness of horizon. “But you know as…” She faded.
“As a friend! I know.” I said.
“As best friend.” She inched forward and kissed my cheek. It was the first time she did this. I kept silent after this and so did she. I held her hand.
“Can I not leave this till I die?” I said.
“Let’s go Nish!” She got up. I knew that she has realized that she was kind of losing so she dodged the idea by the best way she knew ‘avoid it’. She rushed to the bike and I followed her.
Everything between us was exactly like what is expected from partners in typical relationship except the physical stuff. I loved the strange relationship we shared. It was kind of out of this world. But there were times she made me very hopeless and tormented me with agony. ‘I cannot be with you forever Nish.’ ’I don’t love you.’ ’You should forget me.’ ‘Get used to me staying away.’ ‘I cannot talk to you every time.’ These lines echoed in my heart ripping it apart with its shrill cry. She cared for me and more than that she understood me, it was clear that she understood me more than I understood myself. I felt it. The nights I cried for her she cooled me. The time I felt pain she soothed me. I must say she tolerated a lot of it. A lot of my misbehavior, taunting messages, bad language all of it. She knew that I was mad when upset, she handled it efficiently. Well that was why I needed her in my life, to handle me to help me stay fine. She was the only one in my life who knew all the tricks to handle me. She was great. I feel proud to say that I love her even if she does not reciprocate it.
I eventually found that she had become my support system, my lifeline and God knows what all words they shove for this feeling of desperate craving for somebody. You find a way to not think of her and your heart finds a thousand of it to think over it again and again coz it likes its company. And the mind is a lover of heart so it is jealous to see it beat for somebody else, the jealousy pains, really really hard. I wish I was brainless or simply…heartless. The clash of my mind and heart was often disastrous and really pushed me into trying something that was silly.
We used to talk at night, complete nights sometimes. Even if she felt sleepy I would not let her sleep. I acted in such a selfish manner sometimes. I knew she needed rest still I did not let her. One night I called her at twelve.
“What? I’m sleeping.”She said her voice was tickling.
“Please let me!”Through this session of please she dozed off. I didn’t disconnect. I kept on telling her how beautiful she was, what happens to me when I saw her, what all I felt for her, some of my secrets and god knows what all. I read out a few pages of my diary as well. She woke up in two hours.
“…you still there?…Nish…” She muttered. I bet I wanted to die to listen to this beautiful sleepy voice of hers.
“Yeah I am sweetheart!”
“You are such a…such a…an….ass.” I bet she was smiling.
“Well that I am.”
“I want to hug you.” She kissed me thru the phone first time then. I didn’t mention but it but did the same in return. An awkward silence and she said, “Hug me Nish!”
“How can I?” I said, disappointed.
“Name your pillow Aditi and hug it, I’ll do same with my teddy.” She was cute, I told you. I hugged my pillow, for the first time in my life. It really felt good. I wish it was Aditi. I would later get to know that out of her four teddy bears the one which was in most pathetic condition was named Nishant, broken none and pouring inside out as she would tell me laughing the next day. Really a crazy girl. The craziness I love in her. The craziness I cannot overcome, the craziness I want in my life forever.
“You hugging?” I asked her.
“Hmmm…and sleeping…” She dozed off. Next she woke up was four hours later and I was still connected.
“FUCK OFF Nish…you didn’t sleep a second at night, do you realize this.” Her strict warden voice came up.
“I didn’t. Love you. Good day. I’m gonna sleep. Bye.” She kissed me and hung up.
If anyone was as close to her as I was he would have had definitely felt that she loved me. I was her best friend and maybe the most loved one, the most understood the most cared. ‘Heart patient’ was what she called me. When it came to deserving I and even she knew I was the person who deserved her the most but fate had destined something else, maybe I was not destined to hold her hand, maybe I was not the person. I knew that these ‘MAYBEs’ were actually the facts of my life still I loved her, at least this kept me going and not try a hand on suicide. I knew that even if it was me who needed her more still it was going to be me not her who would end up our friendship. But I needed her. I missed her as frequently as I breathed.
“Even if there are more beautiful girls than you, I think you are the most beautiful one;
Even if there are more sensible girls than you, I think you are the most sensible one;
Even if there are more cute girls than you, I think you are the cutest;
Even if there are more mature girls than you, I think you are the most mature one;
Even if there are more loving girls than you, I think you are the most loving one;
Even when you do not love me, I think you love me;
And if you do not love me, truly, still I love you.”